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Thursday, October 30, 2008
6:47 PM

Pandora's box

i feel nothing. my head's blank, save for one lingering thought. why do i feel this way? why?? i've read all my previous posts looking for some answers from the person that i used to be. the person that always seem to know what he was doing. a person in control of things even though he wouldn't admit it. i've grown tired and weary of how things are going. of how things went. but why do i feel this way? i'm caught in a crossroad that isn't even there, doesn't even exist.

i'm listening to sugarfree right now. i'm desperately searching for answers in all the wrong places. answers that i don't know if i want to find in the first place. i've given up, tried, given up and tried again. why? it's a cycle i can't seem to break. my mind is in an endless loop. pausing from time to time but never stopping. i don't want to do this anymore but it seems i have been holding back. maybe i've known of the answer all along. maybe i was just fooling myself. she stands at the middle of everything and i'm the man on the side. i don't know what to do anymore.

what was i expecting? what was i trying to prove? i came knowing what was going to happen. but still i left surprised. i left confused. i left with nothing. not even a hint of what to do next. i knew all these but still i think. still i miss. still i..

im a writer, but never did i felt this passionate about it. for once i can say that there was time in my life when i felt really compelled to write.

i never meant it to be this way. i vowed to make a change. i vowed to learn. i vowed i would make it different this time. and to change i did. to learn i did. to make it different i did. but it added up the same. what do i need to do? what else could i have done?i was right there in my element. i was true. i was inside this incorruptable sphere. but still...

im freezing my hands off as im typing this. the aircon's way too cold. i got caught watching Heroes during office hours. im giving out advices to someone i don't even know. i don't want to be cold. i don't want to be a hero either. i give out lame advices because i can't follow them myself. i need guidance..i need a way..

no one reads my blogs but still i feel like hiding behind my metaphors, similes and all the different grammar devices that i don't even remember how to define. Yes Pare, i know where the key is but i don't know what to do with it. i've lost my sensitivities, i got used to a clean slate, i forgot i know how to paint. I'm at a standstill. I don't know which direction to proceed.

somebody..save me..tonight..

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cyrian, yan, yani
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